Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Specialties: Family counseling, adolescents’ issues, alcohol/drug relapse prevention, recovery from divorce, stress and trauma, grief work, helping men who want to be better husbands or fathers, working with multi-racial couples and families

Personal Statement: For more than 10 years I have been helping people face their most difficult challenges with insight, compassion and understanding. I have helped clients reach greater potential, improve their relationships, heal from past hurts and deal with current life issues.

In addition to my private practice, I am a clinical supervisor with a grant project from the Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (CSAT) called Effective Adolescent Treatment. The program is targeted at incarcerated adolescents with identified substance abuse problems. I work with the adolescents and their families as they move through the criminal justice system and back out into the community. I am very proud of successfully working with families and adolescents to resolve the many difficult issues often associated with the teenage years, using intuition, creativity and humor to reach adolescents.

Memberships: California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, North American Society of Adlerian Psychology

Insurance Accepted: Any plan that accepts out-of-network providers

Education & Licensure: Ph.D., Clinical Psychology, Pacifica Graduate Institute; M.S., Marriage, Family and Child Therapy, California Lutheran University, MFC 42285

Additional Information: Ellie’s doctoral dissertation was titled “Bridges to Tomorrow: On the Current Crisis of Contemporary American Adolescent Girls.” She produced a documentary film about a group of girls she had filmed throughout several years of their adolescence. She presented her research and film at the 26th International Congress of Applied Psychology in Athens, Greece, in 2006. She has also presented at conferences and seminars on parenting, adolescents’ issues, peace psychology and media psychology. She made a documentary film about ADHD and is in process of publishing a book on her research. Her work on adolescents’ issues has been published in numerous electronic media. Ellie received a Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (CSAT) Travel Award to attend the annual scientific meeting of the College on Problems of Drug Dependence (CPDD) in San Juan, Puerto Rico, in June 2008.

The Drug World Kids Live In
By Dr. Ellie Miraftabi   

My work as a psychotherapist has shown me how important it is for parents to take the lead in preventing children from using drugs. Parents are the No. 1 influence on their children's lives. Teens may argue or seem to tune you out, but they're still listening to what you have to say. You can significantly reduce the odds that your child will smoke, drink alcohol, use other drugs and engage in premature and unsafe sex.

Psychologically, when people are undergoing intense change and the uncertainty that goes with it, they are the most open to outside influence. Society is full of influences -- some good, some bad and some downright disastrous. Parents have the opportunity and responsibility to become the most positive influence in their teens' lives.

Across America today, adolescents are confronting pressures to use alcohol, cigarettes or other drugs and to have sex at earlier ages. Many are depressed. In fact, about a third of adolescents report they have contemplated suicide. Others are growing up lacking the competence to handle interpersonal conflict without resorting to violence.

By age 17, about a quarter of all adolescents have engaged in behaviors that are harmful or dangerous to themselves and others: getting pregnant, using drugs, taking part in antisocial activity or failing in school. Altogether, nearly half of American adolescents are at high or moderate risk of seriously damaging their life chances. The damage may be near-term and vivid, or it may be delayed, like a time bomb set in youth.

The social and technological changes of this century, and especially of recent decades, have provided many young people with remarkable material benefits and opportunities to master technical skills; they have also introduced new stresses and risk into the adolescent experience.

Today, with high divorce rates, increases in both parents working and the growth of single-parent families, slightly more than half of all American children will spend at least part of their childhood or adolescence living with only one parent. In this situation, exacerbated by the erosion of neighborhood networks and other traditional social support systems, children now spend significantly less time in the company of adults than they did a few decades ago; more of their time is spent in front of the television set or with their peers in age-segregated, unsupervised environments.

Such conditions occur among families of all income levels and backgrounds and in cities, suburbs and rural areas. But they are especially severe in neighborhoods of concentrated poverty, where young adolescents are more likely to lack two crucial perquisites for their healthy growth and development: a close relationship with a dependable adult and the perception of meaningful opportunities in mainstream society.

For today's adolescents, particularly those who do not intend to go beyond high school, there is much less chance to earn a decent living wage, support a family and participate actively in the life of the community and nation than were there was a few decades ago. Many adolescents feel adult-like pressure without experiencing the rewards of belonging and of being useful in the valued settings of adult life. Especially in low-income neighborhoods where good education and jobs are scarce, young people can grow up with a bleak sense of the future.

Why Parents Should Worry
Children are challenged at younger ages than ever before to try drugs, both legal and illegal. Legally available drugs include alcohol, prescribed medication, inhalants (fumes from glues, aerosol and solvents) and over-the-counter cough, cold, sleep and diet medications. The most commonly used illegal drugs are marijuana (pot), stimulants (cocaine, crack and speed), LSD, PCP, opiates, heroin and designer drugs (ecstasy).

The use of illegal drugs is increasing, especially among young teens. The average age of first marijuana use is 14, and alcohol use can start before age 12. The use of marijuana and alcohol in high school has become common.

According to the World Health Organization, methamphetamine is second only to marijuana as the most widely abused illicit drug in the world, and it is the most prevalent synthetic drug manufactured in the United States. "Meth" is a highly addictive stimulant that can be smoked, snorted, injected or taken orally. Users, particularly during the withdrawal or "tweaking" phase, may experience acute psychosis and commit acts of extreme violence.

The manufacture of methamphetamine expose humans, animals and the environment to toxic and explosive chemicals. Among high school seniors, 7.9 percent reported taking meth at least once, about twice the rate of a decade ago. Methamphetamine has several slang names, including speed, meth, chalk, ice, crystal, crank, glass and uppers. Some people start using meth to reduce fatigue and maintain productivity particularly for tedious, repetitive or physically demanding tasks or when working long hours. Some people hope it will increase sexual desire and activity. Others want to lose weight.

The latest substance abuse trend involves taking over-the-counter remedies containing dextromethorphan. These are abused by teens and pre-teens because they can be purchased without a prescription in drugstores. This practice is often mistaken for a suicidal overdose because many pills are swallowed to achieve the desired effects. Teens hope to feel excitement and euphoria, but they often encounter drowsiness, dizziness, vomiting, hallucination, rapid heartbeat, high blood pressure, convulsions, coma or death.

When life seems dull and boring, and the opportunities for legitimate challenge and excitement are limited, the temptation is always there for destructive, thrill-seeking adventure. Alcohol and drugs, sexual experimentation, reckless driving, and even breaking the law, can be thrilling alternatives to a teen who sees everyday life as bland. For teens who are also choosing undue avoidance, thrill-seeking may become the only thing they feel they are good at. "If I can't be the best student," the thinking sometimes goes, "then at least I can be the best druggie. "

Adolescence is a time for trying new things, Teens use alcohol and other drugs for many reason, including curiosity, because it feels good, to reduce stress, to feel grown up or to fit in. It is difficult to know which teen will experiment and stop, and which will develop serious problems. Teenagers at risk for developing serious alcohol and drug problems include those:
•    With a family history of substance abuse
•    Who are depressed
•    Who have low self-esteem, and
•    Who feel like they don't fit in or are out of the mainstream.

You may suspect that your child or teenager is having trouble with alcohol and other drugs, but short of smelling liquor on the breath or discovering pills in pockets, how do you know for sure? While symptoms vary, here are some common tip-offs. Your answers to the following question will help you determine if a problem exists.
•    Has your youngster's personality changed dramatically? Does he or she seem giddy, depressed, extremely irritable or hostile without reason? Do his or her moods change suddenly, intensely and without provocation?
•    Is your supply of liquor, mood or diet drugs dwindling?
•    Is your youngster less responsible about doing chores, getting home on time or following instruction and household rules?
•    Has he or she lost interest in school? (Problems at school are frequent warning signs.)
•    Has she or he changed friends and started hanging out with a drinking and drug-taking group? Are there weekend-long parties?
•    Are you missing money or objects, which are easily convertible into cash?
•    Have neighbors, friends or others talked to you about your youngster's behavior or drug-taking?
•    Has your teen been arrested for drunkenness? Driving under the influence of alcohol or other drugs? Disorderly conduct? Delinquent acts? (Encounters with the legal system often indicate underlying problems with alcohol and other drugs. There is a strong correlation between alcohol and /or other drug abuse and delinquency.)
•    Does your youngster strongly defend his or her right to use alcohol and other drugs? (People defend that which is most important to them.)
•    Does your youngster "tune out" to talks about alcohol and other drug addiction? (Abusers would rather not hear anything than that might interfere with their behavior, while the nonabuser will listen without becoming defensive.)
•    Does your youngster get into fights with peers? With other family members? (More than 70 percent of all beatings, stabbings and assaults occur when one or both participants have been drinking or abusing drugs.)
•    Are there medical or emotional problems? Check for ulcers, bronchitis, high blood pressure, acute indigestion, liver and kidney ailments, hepatitis, nosebleeds, malnutrition, weight loss, depression, memory lapse and talk of suicide. Alcohol and other drugs take their toll. Youngsters on "uppers" or "downers" usually lose their appetite. Taking PCP or "Angel Dust" can lead to paranoia and hallucinations. Long-term marijuana users often develop bronchitis. Heavy drinkers experience problems with digestion, malnutrition and depression.
•    Do you detect physical signs, such as the smell of alcohol on the breath, change in pupil size in the eyes, hyperactivity, sluggishness and slurred or incoherent speech? These are all strong clues.
•    Does your youngsters lie to you and others often?
•    Does your youngster volunteer to clean up after adult cocktail parties? (Draining half-empty glasses is a cheap high.)
•    Do you find bottles or drugs in the bedroom, garage and van? (Parents of abusers are often amazed to find stashes of alcohol or drugs under mattresses, in stereo speakers and behind insulation in garages.)
•    Is your youngster irresponsible in using the family car, such as taking it without permission and making excuses for not getting it home on time? (Many teenagers drink in cars and then drive. They frequently cause motor vehicle accidents.)
•    Does your youngster stay alone in his or her bedroom most of the time, bursting forth only occasionally? Does he or she resent questions about activities and destinations? (Some secrecy, aloofness and resentment on the part of teenagers are normal. But carried to extremes, these may signal of problems with alcohol or other drugs.)
•    Have your youngster's relationships with other family members deteriorated? Does he or she avoid family gatherings that were once enjoyed? (An abuser's ability to relate to others suffers. The primary family relationships are affected first.)
•    Has your youngster been caught dealing in drugs or giving them to friends?

There are many psychiatric disorders that commonly occur in substance-abusing young people. The most common are disorders that seriously affect mood, such as depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders. In addition, a large percentage of young people with substance-abuse problems have a diagnosis of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Alcohol and other drug abuse can create "Mr. Hydes" out of once-happy youngsters and isolate them from those who love them. The youngsters become stagers and sources of frustration, irritation and disruption to the family.

Helping Your Teens Stay Drug-Free
While there is no absolute guarantee that your children won’t become involved in drugs, there are some things you can do to influence them:
•    Providing well-structured and supervised after-school activities that children enjoy participating in is particularly important. This can offer some influence over whom your youngsters associate with and the dangers they are exposed to.
•    Establish and clearly communicate the family rules and no-use expectation regarding drugs and alcohol. Be clear about the consequences for breaking these rules, and be consistent with follow-through if they are broken.
•    Give your children accurate drug information. Don’t preach. Just share. Listen to their comments and questions about drugs, and discuss why people take them. Stay up-to date yourself. A new study by the Caron Treatment Centers found that one in 10 messages on the Internet involved teens asking advice from their peers about how to take illicit drugs. The messages were posted on common online messages boards, forums and social sites such as MySpace.com. It is very important that parent brush up on drug slang because, in online communications and text messaging with their friends, kids use code language and abbreviations, and parents often don’t know what they mean. But the more parents understand what these things mean, the more they can monitor their kids’ behavior. You can find plenty of information on the Internet. A national source for publications and treatment centers in your area is the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Abuse. 11426-28 Rockville Pike, Suite 200, Rockville, MD 20852; 1-800 662-4357.
•    The more your children tell you, the more successful you will be as a parent. If you have a child who does not readily disclose information, your overall ability to be a good parent will be compromised. Because tracking and shaming your children does not succeed, they will conceal information from you. Research tell us that kids who believe their parents are trying to control them have worse adjustments than kids who feel their parents trust them. How their parents have reacted to information in the past, and how accepting and warm they have been, are likely to influence teens’ willingness to disclose new information.
•    Be a good role model. Parents’ smoking and drinking habits and attitudes may strongly influence how their children perceive alcohol and other drugs. Seeing their parents display positive health habits, such as eating properly and getting regular exercise, teach children the importance of caring for their bodies. Children pay more attention to what we do than what we say.
•    Help your child learn and practice making decisions based on what she or he wants instead giving in to the wishes of others. Provide in your home opportunities for your teen to practice independent decision-making, assertiveness and problem-solving skills. As your child’s skills improve, his or her confidence to say no to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs will increase significantly.
•    Help your youngsters feel good about themselves. Self-esteem increases when parents notice efforts as well as accomplishments, correcting the behavior rather than the child.
•    Reduce or eliminate access to prescription drugs and over-the-counter medication in your household. Remove and destroy all unused/unneeded leftover medication in your medicine cabinet. Learn the facts about prescription drugs and over-the-counter medication. The more you know, the more believable you will be to your child when you challenge the myths associated with theses drugs. Replace misinformation with facts, including the following: Prescription drugs and over-the-counter medication are not safe and harmless drugs that involve little risk. They are not safer that “street drugs.” Abusing nonprescription, over-the-counter medications can be as dangerous as abusing prescription drugs. Unauthorized possession and distribution of prescription drugs is illegal and will result in serious legal consequences.
•    Help your child develop a positive body image. Openly discuss the dangers of steroid abuse and the myths surrounding “performance-enhancing” drugs.
•    Communicate the message that drug use of any type affects sound decision-making. Young people who abuse drugs are more likely to engage in risky behaviors, such as unprotected sex, and are more vulnerable to physical assault, such as rape.
•    Know your child’s friends. Communicate with their parents on a regular basis to ensure that you have common expectations for behavior. Be present when young people gather in your home. Provide safe, fun, drug-free activities.
•    Be an active listener and encourage your child to talk. Take what he or she says seriously. Offer unconditional love and support.
•    Look for solutions. If your child is struggling with drug abuse, ask a professional for help. Call your child’s school counselor, a clergy member or a local counseling center for advice.
•    Intervene early. If you think your child might be experimenting with prescription drugs or over-the-counter medications, address the issue at once. Act out of love, not anger. As always, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Can A Bad Marriage Be Saved?
By Dr. Ellie Miraftabi

Can a bad marriage be saved? This is not an easy question to answer. It depends on how deep the level of disenchantment is in the marriage and how long it’s been present.

Many marriages are headed for trouble even before the couple takes their vows, since people often choose mates to fulfill some hidden neurotic need – to prove their superiority over others, to suffer, to dominate or to be taken care of, to name a few. It’s no small wonder that so many marriages seemingly begin in heaven and end in hell.

We live in an era where many people are questioning the old “rules” of marriage and are questing for greater equality. They are no longer willing to be dominated by their partner. They want to count, not be discounted. Therefore, they question the status quo and protest against unfairness, domination, abuse and injustice.

The movement toward gender equality has accentuated this questioning, and women and men alike are taking a critical look at their marriages. As a result, many spouses of both sexes are getting in touch with their marital dissatisfaction. Some are so hurt and enraged at what they see that they accentuate the negatives and overlook the positives.

Spouses need to be able to talk with each other about their relationship without shame and blame, whining or nagging.  Say how you think and feel without blaming your spouse for all of the marital problems. Calmly get everything out on the table so each of you can sort through it without feeling attacked. People who feel unfairly blamed and attacked often get defensive, which can stop communication in its tracks. For example, avoid comments like, “How can you say that?” or “Yes, but you’re just as bad or worse.”

Ask your spouse for what you want without demanding it, and check to see that your message got through. Don’t assume. When responding to your spouse, you don’t have to agree with what he or she said. But acknowledge that you heard it and are considering it.

Remember that communication doesn’t just refer to verbal exchanges. We also communicate with such things as silence, angry or sad looks, withdrawal and pouting.

We all bring into our relationships the patterns we observed from our parent’s marriage, as well as various attitudes and expectations we developed in childhood towards ourselves, others and life in general. Some of these are healthy, but not all. It can be very enlightening to discuss with your spouse how these often-hidden influences affect your relationship.

No marriage runs smoothly all of the time. In fact, a marriage is destined for disenchantment unless each spouse regularly works at keeping communication lines open, building and maintaining friendship, having fun together and promoting love and intimacy. If you haven’t been able to achieve these goals, you owe it to yourselves to try to answer the original question: “Can a bad marriage be saved?” It takes courage, but it definitely can be done.