By Renee Haas, MA, MFT

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February 23, 2010

A Few Simple Tips for Being Happy

“I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy.” Years ago, when I first read that statement by the Dalai Lama, I was somewhat shocked. I would have expected him to say that the purpose of life was to serve others or to achieve enlightenment. But, instead, he opted for happiness. And, truthfully, isn’t that what most of us seek? Those moments, days, whatever increments of time, in which we feel true happiness register so strongly in our memories and give such meaning to life. And happy individuals are more likely to be happy members of relationships.

The last few decades have given rise to the scientific study of happiness, in the form of positive psychology. Some of the results seem so simplistic, and yet they’re very powerful. Here are a few:

•  Act happy and you just might feel happy.

•  Engage in happy experiences. You know what makes you feel good, things like hanging out with family and friends, lying on the couch reading a good book, digging in your garden or dancing with abandon at your favorite club. Whatever it is, do it. Don’t put it off, thinking, “When I just finish _____ (fill in the blank with a dull task), then I can _____ (fill in the blank with the pleasurable experience).” Have fun now. The future is an illusion. Now is the time to be happy.

•  Spend time with those you love. Whether it’s in person, via phone, letter, email, Skype or other options open to you, CONNECT.

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November 12, 2009

Exploring Our Self-Imposed Limitations

I have two ficus trees that are exactly the same age but vastly different sizes. I think about how they are a metaphor for people. One ficus lives in a pot on a shady porch. Above the root line, it’s four feet tall and three feet wide. The other ficus grows in the ground and receives full sunshine. It’s 16 feet wide and as tall as a two-story building. The plant that flourishes has the ability to fully spread its roots and live in the light. The other is certainly alive, but it’s not reaching its full potential.

The large ficus tree benefits from an extensive root system and the warmth of the sun. Not bound by the constraints of a pot, it freely spreads its roots. The light and nutrients it receives from the earth allow it to grow robust branches full of leaves. When the wild winds blow, the tree’s strong root system prevents it from toppling over, unlike a potted plant.

How does this translate to human beings? Many of us live like the small ficus, bound by a pot we’ve created that only allows us to reach so far. Our walls might spring from a sense of constriction: “This is as far as I can go. I’m not allowed past here.” They might be defined by fear: “I’m safe inside my little container. The world outside is too scary.” Whatever defines the boundaries, they can stunt our growth in all directions.

We can also keep ourselves hidden in the shade, like the little ficus on the porch. What would happen if we as individuals stood openly in the light of day, fully visible to ourselves and others? Would we flourish in the warmth? Would we burn? How deep and wide could we grow if we broke out of our restrictive boxes? There’s only one way to find out…

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June 23, 2009

What Feelings Need to Bubble Up? 

Self-reflection and emotional honesty can ultimately be very liberating and exhilarating, but the prospect of digging deeply within ourselves can be frightening. What will we find? What will we unleash? Should we play it safe and just let sleeping dogs lie in the realm of emotions?

Most of us turn away from feelings we are uncomfortable with, such as sorrow, shame, fear, anger or vulnerability. We keep them buried and don’t acknowledge them. Or we allow one “bad” feeling to take center stage and shun the rest, such as an outwardly angry woman who is masking feelings of loneliness or a jealous man who harbors shame inside.

Where did we learn to live like this, with such large parts of ourselves hiding in the shadows? Generally, in our childhood homes. For instance, if you grew up in a family where everyone was expected to put on a happy face whatever the circumstances, you might still stuff down a lot of difficult feelings. If your family was tuned to one emotional channel, such as anxiety or resentment, you might not have learned to welcome the entire spectrum of feelings into your awareness.

Regardless of your personal history or your current emotional landscape, digging down can clear away psychological debris and release a wellspring of emotions that allow you to live the full, authentic life you deserve.

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April 27, 2009

Spinning Your Wheels? The Unproductive Nature of Anxiety

In these turbulent times, many people feel overwhelmed with anxiety. As they contemplate personal and professional stressors, their gears are spinning, but they’re not meshing into anything meaningful. A paradoxical aspect of anxiety is that it feels like activity, since your mind is constantly racing, but oftentimes the end result is a frozen state where the only thing you’re producing is more tension and fear.

Untold numbers of self-help books hold millions of words of advice about how to manage stress and anxiety. But I believe they can all be summarized by what has become known as the Serenity Prayer, where you aspire to have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. I suppose it has to begin with the wisdom, as you examine your life and determine where you can create change and where you cannot. The process of gracefully accepting the unalterable (which often has to do with people you would like to change!) can produce both inner peace and increased energy for efforts more likely to yield fruit.

Once you have quieted the endless mental chatter that comes with anxiety, you create a tranquil space where you can actually hear your wise inner voice. If you listen closely, it will guide you to where you need to go and help you appreciate where you are right now.

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March 26, 2009

The Mathematics of Love: Blending Relationships & Individuality

If romantic relationships were mathematical equations, many people would view them through the lens of subtraction: Two become one. I prefer to view adult love relationships as a process of addition: Two become three – two individuals and a new entity, the couple.

Although I’m a huge fan of genuine romance, I think pop culture fosters an image of romantic love that causes problems for many couples. When operating from the “two become one” worldview, some people get hurt when their partner doesn’t know what they’re experiencing, in virtually a telepathic way: “If he loved me, he would understand what I’m feeling without me having to explain it all the time.” “When I walk in the door, she should be able to tell from the look on my face that something’s wrong.” With those kinds of expectations, partners often set themselves up for disappointment and resentment.

The photo and quote featured in this message create a different picture, one of two people who are intimately connected and also distinct individuals, whole against the sky. They haven’t lost themselves but have instead gained a true partner. What a gift.

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January 14, 2009

Recipe for Healing

Dr. Rubin was actually advising parents about how to help their children overcome colds. But I think his words contain more far-reaching insight. Indeed, don’t the ingredients he mentions comprise a good recipe for healing the wounds we all experience in this life?
 
Love. Hugs. Warm liquids. Time. In addition to having soothing properties, another thing these ingredients share is that their energy can multiply when mixed with an element of action. For example, a friend of mine says, “The best way to get a good hug is to give one first.” And doesn’t being an actively loving person both enrich your soul and tend to bring more love your way, as opposed to waiting for others to love you? If you’re feeling stressed, instead of anxiously ruminating about your troubles, how would it feel to enjoy a warm beverage in a comforting environment?

Time. Conventional wisdom says it heals all wounds. But, in my experience, the passage of time alone does not heal. If you’re suffering, you have to be willing to take action, in this case to risk sinking into the abyss before you can emerge transformed. Much of this life you can influence. Much of it you simply have to trust in order for it to work its mysterious ways. Blended, taking action and surrendering to the forces of life are powerful beyond description.

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December 14, 2008

Connecting With Hope During Trying Times 

Longing and hope are often intertwined, but these days many people hold more longing than hope inside of them. The country’s economic woes, and their impact on everyone’s lives, have induced a level of fear that can mightily trample on hope.

As people feel the financial pinch in their daily lives and watch home equity and investment values plummet, fear can take hold and create self-fulfilling prophecies of doom.

If hopelessness or crippling fear have crept into your life, what would it take for you to connect with “the endless immensity of the sea?" That phrase could mean many things. For me, it conjures up two images. One is of the joy we experience when we consciously take in the immeasurable beauty of everyday life. The other image relates to the future, as we stand on the shore of today and ponder what lies before us in the endless sea of possibilities.

Cherish today. Believe in tomorrow, and then you can start to gather the wood and create the plans that will produce your ship of dreams.